wow.

Take me to where a voice of obligation and an absolute absence of a heart is
Take me to where a body doesn’t burn
Everything is reasonable, appropriate
Take me to where a peaceful head rises in a clear thought
Take me to where it’s boring, but where I will be happy

Where is it, where is it
Tell me, please, tell me
I want to be there, to breathe there
I want more peace, peace, peace

Show me the world, where thoughts don’t weaken in an intimate hug
Show me the world, where people savor a good tenet and God and trouble
Show me the world, where a peaceful head rises in a clear thought
Show me the world, where love has only a right source

Where is it, where is it
Tell me, please, tell me
I want to be there, to breathe there
I want more peace, peace, peace

Take me to where a voice of obligation and an absolute absence of a heart is
Take me to where a body doesn’t burn
Everything is reasonable, appropriate
Take me to where a peaceful head rises in a clear thought
Take me to where it’s boring, but where I will be happy

The Dumplings – Tam gdzie jest nudno ale gdzie będziemy szczęśliwi

I think that’s kinda where Depratal took me. I have moments of something between clarity and a completely cold and soulless analysis, when it seems to me that everything is reasonable, appropriate. Calm head, clear thought, but complete absensce of heart. The latter is both the strength and the main problem of this state.

At the beginning of my psychotherapy, I announced that I did not know what pleased me or what I wanted. Somewhere in the process, however, it turned out that there are things that make me happy, I know that I like them and you can see that I do when I talk about them. Maybe I have a hobby, after all. The problem is that this hobby is machines, technology, electronics, 8-bit retro computers, programming, books – things that are engaging in solitude and can be done alone. Activities that do not require contact with other people. However, if they do, it will be an occasional contact, filled with substantive information, devoid of any opportunity for misunderstandings and overinterpretations. Activities that will allow me to either cut myself off from the world or approach it analytically, like research.

I can’t do that with people. My brain has not learned how to communicate with them, build healthy relationships, correctly interpret (not: always against myself) their words, and how can I myself communicate emotions and needs. It’s a completely foreign language for me. It is impossible to describe with algorithms, it is impossible to predict all possible consequences, reactions, and further developments on a piece of paper. Unnecessary risk. Expectations, hurting, or getting hurt.

As I learn, people remind me of duty and obligation. When they are here, I have to give them 100% of my attention. “Come on, don’t just sit in your room, talk to your guests.” A good son is one who will fulfill the request, leave everything that interesting for him and come to “talk” with his aunts and uncles. A bad child would have an opinion, own needs, activities. I’ve been good.
All my life I try to be good, guess expectations, meet them, and only when everyone is satisfied and I didn’t let anyone down – then I can go to my room and engage with my world. Otherwise, my self-esteem is crushed as soon as I dare to think that I would like to spend my time differently than someone suggested (or even asked me for an opinion, and I felt there was only One Good Answer); or worse, it buries itself under the rock bottom if I speak up and try to suggest that.

It worries me, but I feel best alone. I like my job, I devote my time voluntarily to it, I understand it and I am able to intelligently find answers to questions with which someone will come to me. Then they are happy, I feel needed, useful, I’m satisfied and fulfilled.
I like my 8-bit computer, strange computer equipment that could have provoked questions such as “what do you need it for”, “did you really have to buy it”, “what do you need this old scrap for”, or “it’s not even working”. I like to discover its possibilities, learn something new, develop my knowledge. I like to find other enthusiasts of this equipment and technology on the Internet. It’s not about the games, although competitions for the best game for a 35-year-old computer in a given year have impressive candidates, but about the equipment and information, hardware extensions, and frills. Making it do something that I didn’t know was possible before. Old computers gave you a frequent feeling of discovery, learning, development. The computer usually greeted you with readiness (the message “Ready”) to be programmed in BASIC. The second after turning the machine on, you were encouraged to learn to program.

This bothers me because what I’m happy talking about isn’t something I’m doing with someone close. People I want around me (good, intelligent, with genuine passions, preferably different than mine, so that I can feel that I am learning) expect that they will be the center of attention.
When I talk about who I spend most of my time with, I hear “you see a lot of good qualities, you appreciate them, but there is something missing, something that would bind everything together and give you joy”.

I should isolate myself. At least until I hear the choir of angels again.